The Truth: Lord Voldemort is Pretending to be a Pasty British Actor (Story #7)

Some people wonder how he made the transition.  They think he was an actor first and an awful wizard second, but they have it wrong.  First off, no actor is that good.  I mean you’d have to be a blind man not to see how easy he is with that wand.  Daniel Radcliff, who is acting, is all nervous and constipated looking when he’s doing his magic tricks on screen, but Lord V. (can’t use his full name for obvious reasons,) he’s a pro.  That’s his bread and butter.  It’s when he’s acting like a pasty British actor that he seems nervous.

I saw him, by which I mean Him in his British actor mode, on TV the other day.  He seemed so stiff and uncomfortable with himself.  My wife said the same thing, though she thinks it’s because he’s British and unaccustomed to stupid, blond, entertainment reporters.  “He’s Shakespearian,” she said.  “He’s not the stuff of tabloids.”  Granted.  Fine.  But then he starts talking about how kids come up to him and wonder if he’s Lord V., and he gets this smile on his face.  It wasn’t a nervous smile, either.  It was one of those, crazy, gleeful looks I’ve seen him use in some of his other roles—like the one in which he played a sadistic Nazi.  Remember that one?

People think he’s acting.  OK.  Sure.  In a literal sense, you might have a point there.  He was acting.  I mean, he’s not a Nazi.  He’s a magician.  But then again, he is evil as was the Nazi character, so it’s not that much of a stretch when you get right down to it.

I’m not especially worried that he’s trying to ingratiate himself with our little ones here in this country, or that he could really do anything here.  On this side of the pond, he’s almost a movie star, but the British thing kind of limits him.  Makes you wonder why Lord V. didn’t take the form of someone really powerful, like Brad Pitt or George Clooney.  Maybe it was the accent.  Though you’d think that a famous wizard with amazing powers could come up with a spell for an American accent.

Maybe the Brits should worry because if his acting career starts to falter, and to be honest, I think it has, then he might go back to his first line of work and wreak havoc over there.  I mean you’ve seen what he’s done to Harry Potter and Sirius Black, right?  And sure, it’s a movie, but don’t think he couldn’t have just obliterated everything for real.  The movies might use CGI, but that’s because of the actors, unlike Lord V, are truly pasty and British and regular mortals.

Or are they?

You know there are a lot of people who think the Harry Potter series of books is all cutting edge and different.  But JK Rowling isn’t a fiction writer—I mean not really.  The books are biographical, actually.  If you think about it, JK is basically a glorified ghost writer.  I even heard on one of the fan sites that she doesn’t exist.  That she’s really just a stand-in for Lord V.  That’s possible if you think about it.  I mean, if that were true, then that means that Lord V. not only can appear as a pasty British actor, but that he could also be a famous author.  Which means that he could be more than one person at a time.  You see where I’m going with this, right?  What if Lord V. is not only the pasty British actor and JK Rowling?  What if he’s like a bunch of people?  What if the whole movie is just a front for him?  What if he’s actually playing all the characters?  Hell, what if he’s the director, screenwriter, and producer?  The whole crew?

I know. Maybe that’s a just a bit too crazy.  Sure, Lord V. is super powerful, and he could take the form of a constipated Daniel Radcliffe or a prissy Emma Watson, or even the doughy Ron Weasly, but Severus Snape?  I mean we all know who Allan Rickman really is.  He’s Hans Guber from Die Hard.  Don’t be fooled.  He’s not British.  He’s German and a terrorist.  But when things went wrong and Bruce Willis set him straight, he managed to turn things around and become a pretty decent actor.

So, yes, it is possible for a villain to become an actor and not return to his evil ways.  But in the case of Lord V., is it likely?  That, my friends remains to be seen.  If stays in his pasty British actor form, he does get a nose, but he loses the wand and all that comes with it.

I’m sure it’s a difficult decision!  Difficult, indeed.


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Categories: fiction

Author:the circular runner

g. martinez cabrera currently lives in San Francisco with his lovely and talented wife. He holds degrees from Columbia and from the Harvard Divinity School where he spent three years thinking about lofty things. Since then, he tries to write some lofty and some not-so-lofty things down so others can see how lofty he sometimes is. When he’s not writing or spending time with said wife, he tortures young people with learning. He blogs at and Tumbls at

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  1. A fiction (maybe) about Lord Voldemort & Ralph Fiennes « running in circles - July 15, 2011

    […] to think about.  Click here for […]

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